Parenting Adult Children

I was up till almost midnight last night talking with my son who is away in college. We talked about how hard school is, girlfriend questions, work, and his spiritual growth. I don’t enjoy staying up late, but I love talking to my son! There are some seasons of parenting that I particularly enjoy. One of them is the cute baby time before they start walking. I love holding, playing, and talking with them at that age. Another favorite time of parenting is when I get to relate to and continue coaching my adult children.

If you have a child graduating, you are in that stage of parenting as well. I want to share a few reminders of how to parent them well. I hope you are already doing all of these things. If not, now is a great time to start. There are a lot of parenting responsibilities that fade away over time. The following reminders are ways we can continue to love and care for our children into adulthood. Let’s make a fresh commitment to faithfully minister to them in these ways for the rest of their lives.

1. Pray for them.

My mom and dad still pray together for me every day. They make sure I know it, too. No matter how good or bad our relationships are with our children, we can always pray for them. I believe that as parents, we have a special position of authority in prayer for our children. One powerful strategy is to pray Scripture for them. How about this one?

“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” (Ephesians 3:14-19 ESV)

2. Be available to them.

I am very busy trying to juggle various life priorities. But when my older kids call or walk into my office, I make time for them. Aside from my wife, I believe they are my most important ministry. My favorite time is when we can sit down face-to-face, enjoy a cup of coffee, and talk about real life. I love hearing about what they are learning, walking with them through their struggles, and discussing the deep questions of life.

I think back to so many conversations similar to these that I have had with my dad, even in just the last few years. As my kids get older, get married, have kids, and face another whole set of life issues, I hope that they will still call me or come by for a cup of coffee and conversation.

3. Treat them with respect.

Again, this is not something you should start doing when you have adult children. All people, even little ones, should be treated with respect. But respect rises to a new level of importance as our children take on full responsibility for their lives. It is important for parents to stop treating their grown children like they are still little and treat them with respect as adults. This practice will lay the groundwork for a fulfilling adult relationship with your kids. One way we show respect is to give them (even more) space to make decisions and figure things out on their own. Part of giving them space is recognizing that your children have to work out their own relationship with God. As we pray, we can have confidence that he is working in their lives.

4. Point them to Jesus.

Of course that is what we have been trying to do all along. So, let’s continue to show them what it looks like to follow Jesus with a heart fully surrendered to Him. Let’s continue to pray with them and ask them how their walk with the Lord is going. Ask them what God is teaching them. Ask them how you can pray for them. Remind them of the goodness and love of God as they go through difficult times.

This passage from Proverbs describes well the relationship we hope to have with our adult children.

“Listen to your father who gave you life
and do not despise your mother when she is old.
The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice;
he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him.
Let your father and mother be glad;
Let her who bore you rejoice.
My son, give me your heart,
and let your eyes observe my ways.”
(Proverbs 23:22, 24, 26)

A Powerful Key for Parenting

I was cleaning up our garage yesterday and clearing off the ping-pong table. I dusted off the table and grabbed the net to set it up, but it was broken. I asked around about who broke it and how. I knew this was a vain endeavor before I began. As usual, no one knew how it was broken, and no one did it. Finding stuff broken at our house is a regular occurrence. I have to be honest; it is one of the most irritating things I experience as a dad. Arguments, unhappy children, half-done chores, and yelling are also on my list of irritants.

You don’t need me to tell you that parenting and homeschooling are severely challenging at times. We are often left weary and discouraged. However, I have discovered a key that empowers me to be the parent I want to be. This idea may sound cheesy or obvious or abstract, but the key is love. Now I know you love your children in principle, but I’m talking about love in action, from the heart, day by day. There are three important aspects of day-in, day-out love I’d like for us to consider.

It’s Not about You

When we find broken ping-pong nets, among many much more expensive damaged items, it can be extremely irritating. However, most of the time when we become angry with our children, it is not “righteous anger.” It is “this really bugs me” anger. Parents can become angry when we are inconvenienced or feel like things are out of our control. Disrespect and disobedience also sometimes cause anger. We often take personal offense at these actions; no one wants to be treated that way.

However, in 1 Corinthians 13:5 we learn that “love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.” So often, our concern is primarily about how things affect us, and when things do not go our way, we become irritable. This attitude is just basic selfishness. But selfishness is the opposite of love. Love is when we do what is best for others, even when it is costly to us. Love is sacrificial. My goal as a loving dad is to do what is best for my kids, not to make sure that I am inconvenienced as little as possible while I parent. If I am really going to work to do what is best for my kids, it’s going to cost me.

That’s one of the key issues of love: It’s not about me. We can experience incredible freedom when we choose the path of love instead of selfishness. We take the sacrifice in stride because we know it’s coming, and we’ve counted the cost. We take it in stride because love says that what is best for my children is more important than what is best for me.

Some Things Aren’t That Important

Love helps us to keep things in perspective. It is so easy for us to get bent out of shape over little things. We lose our temper and treat our children with impatience and harshness. When we behave this way, it creates stress on our relationships. It does not build trust and earn respect. It also does not produce what we want to grow in them. Our anger may produce changed behavior motivated by fear, but it does not bear the fruit of a heart-change that comes from a real understanding.

Love helps us to remember what is important. That’s why “love is patient and kind” (1 Corinthians 13:4). That broken net is not important. The extra time and money I have to spend on broken stuff are not all that important compared to the relationship I am building with my children, and my mission of raising followers of Christ.

It’s Not about Making Them Happy

It has taken me so long to learn this one! I love it when my kids smile and laugh. I want them to have fun and be happy. If I admit it, I also want them to like me because I bring them happiness. However, you don’t have to think about it for very long to realize that always making a child happy is not loving. They don’t have the maturity to know what is good for them. That is why our job is to help them be safe and healthy. We can’t let them play with knives or eat as much ice cream as they want (at least not every day). Sometimes love says “no.” I hate being the guy who says no and disappoints my kids. But I know that “love does not rejoice with evil, but rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6).

Love frees us to say “no” or provide correction to our children with patience and kindness. We don’t have to wait until we are angry to finally say “no.” We don’t have to yell or argue. We sometimes say “no” because we love our children. When that makes them sad or even mad, then we still have the power to do what is best for them, knowing that they will often not understand. 

Conclusion: Beyond Our Own Abilities

Loving others is the second most important thing God wants us to do (after loving him) (Mark 12:30-31). Love is what God is and what he pours into our hearts (1 John 4:8; Romans 5:5). Love is one of the most obvious indicators of our relationship with God (1 John 4:7). It is not a real surprise that when we learn to truly love our children from the heart, we find an amazing grace from God to parent and homeschool our children far beyond our abilities.

When Should I Let My Children Make Their Own Decisions?

My 13 year old son said he wanted to go live in the woods for 24 hours. He built a fort he plans to sleep in. The temperature is 43 degrees and it is pouring down rain. You can imagine mom had a few questions and concerns about this adventure. I did too. But I also understand it. We told him that in a few days it would be sunny and warm. Why not do it then? But he had his heart set on it and he wanted the “extreme experience.” He packed his books in ziplock bags, made some sandwiches, got his sleeping bag and went on his way. His self enforced rule is that he can’t come back to the house for 24 hours. 

At one point I realized that he was asking me for permission to take this adventure. In one sense, that is appropriate because he has home and school responsibilities that he’s got to meet. On the other hand, no matter how fool-hardy I think the plan is, he needs to have the freedom to make his own decision. In the end, I did not give him permission to go or not. I told him to make sure he meets his responsibilities. Otherwise, he can make his own decision about going.

I think this is an important distinction. Nathaniel is my middle child and I can’t say that I made this transition smoothly with some of my older children. I am referring to the transition to adulthood. In this transition, it is important for them to begin to make their own decisions . . . and suffer the consequences. There are decisions that would severely harm my children that I would not let them make. I also help them understand that when they demonstrate maturity and responsibility, they earn more trust and freedom. At the same time, children must be given the opportunity to develop wisdom and discernment from the experience of making choices. 

I laughed out loud to myself when, a few minutes after Nathaniel left the house, torrents of sideways rain arrived. He may or may not regret going on this adventure. He will definitely be very cold and wet. But I’m pretty sure he won’t come back for 24 hours, because that’s the point. It’s not supposed to be easy. I’m proud of him. 

Make Sure You Are Doing This with Your Teenagers

I had a meeting with my oldest son yesterday. It was our weekly scheduled meeting. 

He sat down and said, “Do you have anything to say?” I laughed because this was a strange way to start the conversation. I assumed that he was asking because he didn’t have any particular educational or life topics to bring up and we were headed toward a short meeting. Boy was I wrong! 

“If you don’t, I have something I want to talk with you about.” 

Then my son, who is normally short on words and personal interaction, unloaded some very heavy topics he was dealing with. He is facing some serious interpersonal, moral, and worldview challenges at work. Normal life stuff. Stuff we all have to deal with eventually. I am so glad he is dealing with it while he is still at home. Most importantly, I am glad that he is willing to talk with me about it. He shared the raw details. He shared his thoughts and struggles. He was open to advice and direction.

I am convinced that if we did not have this scheduled appointment, that this conversation may not have happened. Many conversations like this come up in unplanned conversations with my kids. But I have a lot of kids, so private, unplanned conversations are rare. 

I have made it a priority to have closed door, one-on-one conversations with my kids, especially the older ones. Making it a priority means putting it on the calendar. There have been times that I knew I needed to have these private conversations with my kids, and I determined to keep a look out for the opportunities to come along. Some did, but not enough. Not nearly enough. 

So now I have scheduld, weekly, one-on-one meetings with each of my teens.

Maybe a scheduled meeting wouldn’t go over so well with your teen right now. Here’s a great way to start: take them out for lunch, coffee, or dessert. Be prepared with questions. Have a good time. And listen. Ask more questions and keep listening. Don’t offer unsolicited advice. Listen. This will be a solid start toward the kind of relationship you’d like to have. 

If you have an questions or tips for parenting teens, leave them in the comments below.

What Is Happening in Your Daughter’s Life?

What is happening in your daughter’s life? I think this is a particularly good question for fathers. Stop and think about that question for a moment. How would you answer? Do you feel like you know? Now think of all the texts, video chats, social media, and hours spent with friends. Are you sure you know?

This is a good question for both fathers and mothers, for both sons and daughters. But I’d like to focus on fathers and daughters. The father-daughter relationship is the context of a great Bible story that provides a wonderful lesson for dads.

In the book of Esther, we learn that as a child Esther lost both her mother and father. Mordecai (who was her cousin) adopted her as his own daughter and raised her. The nature of this father-daughter relationship manifests itself as Esther becomes a young adult and is taken by the King to be considered as a wife.

And every day
Mordecai walked in front of the court of the harem
to learn how Esther was
and what was happening to her.
Esther 2:11

I doubt Mordecai’s interest and involvement in Esther life was a new development. This was his fatherly way. Every day. What a wonderful example for us as dads. Express daily interest and involvement in your daughter’s life. Find out what she is thinking and feeling. Ask about what she loves and about her conversations. Inquire about her relationship with God.

Another aspect of the relationship of Mordecai and Esther is that

Esther obeyed Mordecai
just as when she was brought up by him.
Esther 2:20

Again, Mordecai’s influence in Esther’s life, and her response to him, was not a new development. This was the nature of their relationship. The story does not make a direct connection between the ongoing influential role of a father in a daughter’s life and his ongoing interest and involvement in her life. But it sure does make sense.

It is certainly possible for a daughter in faith to follow the leadership of her father, no matter what her relationship to him is. But it is a natural outflow of the relational investment that has been made when the father has chosen to be interested and involved in her life. He has her heart. He has earned her trust.

I am not sharing this lesson with you because I have done such a great job with my own family. In fact, I can see ways that I have failed to be interested and involved in my daughters’ lives. But I certainly plan to follow the example of Mordecai’s fatherly ways. I want to connect daily with my daughters, discovering how they are and what is happening in their lives. And I pray that they will receive godly, fatherly guidance as they grow into young ladies.

Learn about the Free Loving God Book Bonuses

If you order Loving God: A Practical Handbook for Discipleship by this Friday, March 16, you will receive awesome free bonus downloads and videos! This video will tell you all about the bonuses. 

Free and Equip Your Children to Pursue Their Unique Interests

A great way to help your children become self motivated is to help them to discover their gifts, talents, and interests. Then, as parents, we have the opportunity to free and equip them to pursue those unique interests. 

To learn more about this, watch this last video in the series, How to Help Your Children Become Self-Motivated. You will also get a sneak peak at my upcoming book, Loving God: A Practical Handbook for Discipleship. 

How to Help Your Children Develop Their Own Convictions

Many Christian parents today want to make sure that their children develop their own faith. We know that children who grow up in a Christian home often do not follow Christ when they leave the home. They conformed to the family's faith while at home, but did not own it for themselves.

So what can we do as parents to help our children develop their own convictions? How can we help them to learn to seek the Lord directly and understand his will for their lives? Watch this short video to learn how to avoid common mistakes and develop important biblical assumption in your children's thinking. This is Part 9 of the video series How to Help Your Children Become Self Motivated.