Pre-Marriage Counseling is Like Cramming for an Exam

Last week I sat down with a young couple for some pre-marriage counseling. They both were homeschooled and grew up in solid homes. I told them that in some ways pre-marriage counseling is like cramming for an exam. It is possible to get some new information that way, but not the best way to really learn something. I explained that all that they know about marriage, whether good or bad, they have already learned from their parents. They have been receiving pre-marriage counseling for most of their lives!

During our meeting the young man told me about a homeschoooled friend of his whose marriage only lasted a couple of years! Growing up in a “Christian homeschool” home is no guarantee for a lasting marriage.

Dads and Moms, please don’t forget that you are not only teaching your children about work, math, character, writing, and money managment. Whether you realize it or not, every day you are teaching your children about marriage! Step back and ask yourself what you are teaching them. Do you want your children to have a marriage like yours?

Regular investment and growth in your marriage is a wonderful way to minister to your children. That is why we are putting on a Marriage Conference called Finding Peace and Purpose in your Marriage [Boone, NC on March 16-18, 2017]. Check out this link for more information.

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Is Your Family Stuck in the Raging River of Busyness?

Sometimes our lives feel like we have been thrown into a rushing river. We are just trying to survive, barely keeping our heads above the water and avoiding the jagged rocks. We have little control over our direction and speed. This is how we feel when we have surrendered to the tyranny of the urgent. We are at the mercy of deadlines, appointments, and activities. We are driven by what the culture says we must do, by what others want us to do and by the gratification of our immediate desires.

But I have had enough of this. I have sputtered and bumped along in these rapids for too long, watching my life whiz by, watching my children grow up. God has given me a call and purpose for my family, and it is not being accomplished in this raging river of busyness!

So I desperately swim for the shore, not even sure I can break through the powerful currents. Drenched, coughing and exhausted, I crawl out onto the bank. And now I am asking myself, “What is this supposed to looks like? How do I build a different life?”

First, I must refocus on my purpose and mission as a follower of Jesus Christ. My purpose and mission is to love God, love people, and make disciples. This is not only the purpose and mission of each of us as believers, but of our families as well.

Next, in order to see what my life is supposed to look like, I reflect on my biblical responsibilities and priorities. I have come up with five areas of responsibility and priority. These are the ways that we can fulfill our purpose and mission in our families.

  1. Relationships

  2. Discipleship

  3. Order and Work

  4. Education

  5. Ministry

Relationships

To be a family is to have relationships. To love others is to relate to them. How am I loving my wife and children? Am I treating them with kindness, patience and selflessness? Am I affirming and accepting them? What kind of relationships am I building with them? Are we making time to talk? Are we spending time together? Strong relationships are the foundation for the next category, discipleship.

Discipleship

To disciple others is to help them love God, love people and make disciples. This must be the ultimate goal of family because it is the ultimate goal of life. How am I helping my family to love God? How am I helping them to love others? How am I equipping them to know their own gifting, calling and personal ministry?

Order and Work

Loving God includes stewardship. All that we have is from God, and our responsibility is to care for what he has given us and use it to bless others. Stewardship requires work: cleaning, organizing and maintaining. Work is our contribution to the family and community and it is how we provide for our basic needs so that we are free to minister to others. A messy, chaotic home is not a place where discipleship, education or ministry can thrive.

Education

Education is the acquisition of knowledge and skill. These are tools for helping us accomplish our God given mission. Facilitating and leading our children in the acquisition of knowledge and skill is part of our responsibility as parents. Am I faithful in educating my children? Am I preparing them for a life of productivity and blessing to others?

Ministry

Ministry is the culmination of all that we have discussed so far. A spouse is a partner in ministry. A family is a ministry team. Are we joining God in his work to build his kingdom? Are our hearts beating with his for the nations? What are we doing as a family to express the love and truth of God to others? How much of our time is spent serving and entertaining ourselves? Are we intentionally giving our money, time  and energy for ministry?

By faith I am rejecting the tyranny of the urgent. I will break the patterns of busyness and reactionism. Instead of focusing on what others expect from me, I will focus on what God desires for me. By faith I am choosing a life of peace and purpose for my family. In order to do this, I will make these five building blocks my priorities: relationships, discipleship, order and work, education  and ministry. It may be a desperate swim to the shore, but God can help me make it. He can give me everything I need to live out his fantastic mission for my family.

Should I Let My Children Listen to Secular Music?

A couple of years ago Spotify entered my children’s lives. Until then they basically only had access to my own music collection. Spotify opened the door to ANY kind of music, no filters. As they followed their friend’s playlists and explored on their own, they have listened to plenty of music that I believe is not contributing positively to their spiritual health.

So, what should I do? A quick and common answer is, “Don’t let them listen to non-Christian music.” Let me explain why I don’t think this is the best answer.

Our goal as parents is to help our children live a life of faith in Christ. Faith is a personal choice that must be made by each individual. We cannot make it for them. I believe my children will encounter worldly music, as well as many other worldly realities, no matter how hard I try to keep them from it. So a much more realistic and helpful strategy is to teach my children how to make wise choices.

“But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.”
— Hebrews 5:14 ESV

If I shield my children from all evil, how will they be “trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil?”

Faith requires freedom. But the goal is faith, not freedom. Our culture defines freedom as the ability to do whatever one wants. It is true that freedom includes our ability to choose between right and wrong. However, the freedom to make this choice does not legitimize the wrong choice. True freedom, the freedom Jesus Christ gives us, is the freedom to say no to sin and yes to righteousness. I have seen plenty of Christians escape legalism only to fall into immorality. Parents cannot teach and give their children freedom without teaching them how to make right choices.

So, I did not shut down Spotify. Instead, I sat down with my three teenagers and had a talk. First we read Col 2:8 and 2 Cor 10:3-5. I explained that the location of the spiritual battle is primarily in the mind and the essence of the battle is in ideas. We are in danger of captivity and deception from the philosophy of the world, arguments and ideas that are contrary to God. We commonly misunderstand the spiritual battle to be one of power. The spiritual battle is primarily a battle of truth. Satan’s strategy is to deceive us. Once we have the truth, by faith we have all the power we need!

I then asked my children to consider how much more powerful words and ideas are when they are set to music! I encouraged them to fast temporarily from any music that wasn’t explicitly God honoring, in order to raise their awareness and observe how this choice affects them. I taught them that it is their responsibility to ruthlessly analyze the presuppositions, claims, and imperatives they hear in any music they listen to. To do this, it is usually necessary to read the lyrics. If they have done this and still want to listen to a song that does not explicitly honor the Lord, then I have asked them to submit that song to me for evaluation and discussion. This will provide many opportunities to teach them biblical, critical thinking. These are opportunities to train their powers of discernment.

At some point, they will demonstrate their ability to do this on their own. This is the goal! We do not want to release individuals who are trained by rules and seclusion. Neither do we want to release adults who have freedom but no discernment. We want to release them with passionate, wise hearts for Christ.  While I do have some carefully selected non-Christian music in my personal library, I believe that as our love for the Lord grows, our hunger for music that draws us to him will also grow.

10 Ways to Teach Your Children to Know God's Will for Their Lives

Here is the outline for my second session at the Thrive! NCHE Conference. You can  view the prezi I used in the presentation. 

Ten Ways to Teach Your Children to Know God’s Will for Their Lives

  1. Surrender your life to God (Rom 12:1-2; John 7:16; Luke 9:23-25).
  2. Study Scripture (1 Thess 4:1-6; 2 Tim 3:16-17).
  3. Pray (Phil 4:6-7; Jer 29:11-13; James 4:2b).
  4. Listen to God’s Spirit (Acts 5:32; 20:23; Rom 8:16; John 15:26; 16:7-15).
  5. Wait (Ps 25:4-5).
  6. Observe your personal desires and abilities (1 Cor 7:8-9, 36-38; 12:4-7, 11).
  7. Observe God’s work in your circumstances (James 4:13-17; 1 Cor 16:8-9).
  8. Listen to the counsel and those in authority (Matt 15:15-17; Heb 13:17; Eph 6:1-2; 1 Cor 12:14-21; Prov 15:22).
  9. Reason and test ideas and opportunities (Prov 14:15; Rom 12:2; 1 Cor 10:15; 1:20-21; 2:4; Prov 3:5-7; 1 John 4:1-6).
  10. Evaluate impressions and signs (Acts 8:26; 22:17-18; 2 Cor 11:13-15; Gal 1:8).

How to Stop the Fighting in Your Home

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Here is the outline for my first workshop at the Thrive! NCHE Conference. You can download it and you can view the prezi I used for the presentation. If you would like the article that unpacks biblical conflict resolution, sign up for post updates in the right sidebar and get How to Stop a Fight Before It Starts for free.

 

How to Stop the Fighting in Your Home
Session 11 Saturday 1:50-2:50 p.m

Why do we want to stop the fighting in our home?

  • Because it is pleasant to have a peaceful home (Prov 17:1).
  • Because we want to love and obey God (Eph 4:1-4).
  • Because we want to prepare our children for a life of maturity (Eph 6:4).

Three ways to stop the fighting in your home:

1.        Set a peaceful example.

  • Stop fighting your spouse (Prov 26:21; Prov 21:19).
  • Stop fighting your children (Eph 6:4; Prov 15:1).
  • If you are fighting, then you are choosing to be selfish and prideful (James 4:1-2; 1 Cor 13:4-7).
  • Let the Spirit of Christ live in you! (Gal 2:20; 5:22-23).

2.        Set basic rules of engagement.

  • No yelling
  • No violence.
  • No manipulation

3.        Teach your children to speak truth to one another (Eph 4:15; Matt 18:15-17).

Teach them the Matt 18 process:

  • Speak to the other person privately.
  • Ask another person to help verify problem (I don’t require this step).
  • Go to those in authority to handle the situation.

4.        Teach your children biblical conflict resolution. 

  • Give space (James 1:19).
  • Check yourself  (Matt 7:3-5).
  • Let go of anger (Eph 4:26-27; Matt 18:21-35).
  • Love (Mark 12:30; Gal 5:14).
  • Pray (Matt 5:44; James 1:5-8).
  • Talk about it (Prov 18:13;15:1).
  • Discern the issue (Rom 14:1-12).
  • Speak the truth (Matt 18:15; Eph 4:15; Gal 6:1).
  • Give space

Avoid These 4 Common Parenting Mistakes

Parents have been given the responsibility and authority to discipline and disciple their children (Eph 6:4). But it is critical that we move from discipline to discipleship. Leading our children to surrender their hearts to Christ is the goal (discipleship) not behavior modification (discipline). This charts demonstrates the movement.

“Whoever spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him
is diligent to discipline him.”
— Prov 13:24

Discipline is the use of external motivation to teach and control behavior (Prov 13:24). This starts very high at the beginning of life and decreases until our children are self-motivated adults. Discipleship is when we lead by example and teach our children to submit their own hearts to Christ (Prov 23:26). There are four ways we often do not follow this flow:

  1. We do not discipline our children.
  2. We discipline for too long.
  3. We try to reason with our children too early.
  4. We do not disciple our children.
“My son, give me your heart,
and let your eyes observe my ways.”
— Prov 23:26

Our ultimate goal in parenting is to raise mature, Christ loving believers. That cannot be accomplished through discipline. It is not a matter of behavior; it is a matter of love and faith. We can only influence our children to submit their hearts to Christ through a relationship of trust and love.

A really challenging part of parenting is the crossroad on this chart. From my experience this crossroads occurs somewhere around 11yr to 14 yrs of age. How can we successfully make this transition? RELATIONSHIP. Invest in your children. Spend time with them. Invite them into a discipleship relationship in which you can explain and exemplify what it looks like to follow Jesus.

 

How to Help Your Children Become Self Motivated

I am presenting a parenting seminar at Mt. Zion Wesleyan Church in Thomasville, NC this Sunday, Jan 25, 2015. Here are the notes. You can also download it as a pdf or view the prezi is used for the conference.

Foundations

  • God has given parents the responsibility and authority to discipline and disciple their children (Eph 6:4).
  • Parenting should move from discipline to discipleship, from external motivation to internal motivation (Prov 13:24; Prov 23:26).
  • The ultimate goal for parents is to raise mature, Christ loving believers (Deut 6:4-9).

 

How to Help Your Children Become Self-Motivated

  1. Pray for your children to surrender their hearts to Christ (Eph 3:14-21).
  2. Teach your children truth from God’s Word (Psalm 19:7-11).
  3. Teach your children God’s purpose for life and how everything we do fits into it (Deut 6:4-9).
  4. Encourage and affirm your children (1 Thess 2:11-12).
  5. Offer new responsibility and freedom in response to obedience and respect (Matt 25:14-30).
  6. Correction can take the form of discipleship, instead of discipline, when there is respect and teachability (Psalm 25:8-15; 32:8-9).
  7. Give freedom to make their own choices so they can develop conviction (Heb 5:14).
  8. Help your children discover their gifts, talents, and interests and free and equip your children to purse them (Eph 4:7, 11-12).