How to Avoid Dead End Conversations: 9 Steps for Conflict Resolution

I have had way too many conversations that went absolutely NOWHERE! That is especially discouraging when I am trying to discuss what I feel to be an important topic. In the next two steps in the 9 Steps for Conflict Resolution, I hope to point out some conversation strategies that will you help you avoid those dead end conversations.

6.     Talk

At this point in the 9 Steps, I finally get to do what I’ve been chomping at the bit to do since the problem first began: talk. Hopefully taking the other steps first  (which you can read about here: 1, 2 & 3, 4 & 5) has prevented me from making some major mistakes. If I have made it this far in the process, and still believe that there is a legitimate issue that needs to be resolved, then it is time to talk. But how I approach this is critical.

First, ask questions. I should not come into the conversation with guns a’ blazing, firing off my accusations. Here is a wise saying,

 

“If one gives an answer before he hears,
it is his folly and shame.”
(Prov 18:13)

 

Bring up the topic by asking for more information about what happened, how the other person feels about it, or what motivated the situation. Listen to what they say.

 

Second, be gentle and kind. Even if we are asking questions, we are probably poking into a sensitive area. Another wise word,

 

“A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
(Prov 15:1)

 

This open and gentle approach often gives the other person space to fess up to their own mistakes without having to confront them.

 

7.     Discern

 

       Now that you have more information, the next task in the conversation is to discern what kind of issue you are facing. I will suggest two basic categories:

        a)  those of a secondary nature, involving personal conviction or preference
b)  those involving violation of central biblical principles

 

Paul warns the Romans “not to quarrel over opinions” (14:1). On these secondary issues, “each one should be fully convinced in his own mind” (14:5). “Each of us will give an account of himself to God” (14:12).

 

Not that I can’t discuss questions of opinion or the best way to get something done. But I will do so with humility and patience. And ultimately, I will be willing to let it go and let the other person live according to his or her own conviction.

 There are some issues, though, that we cannot ignore. If so, we must move to the next step, which I will explain in the next post.

 Do you have any other suggestions for avoiding dead end conversations?

Next Step: Saying Hard Things to People You Love

Steps 4 and 5: 9 Steps for Conflict Resolution

Want to know how to have 100% of all your fights vanish into thin air?

Want to know how to remove 80% of all of your conflicts from existence?

Of course you do. So you are going to keep reading about the 9 Steps for Conflict Resolution. You may have already missed the first three steps. You can read about how to Give Space here and how to Check Yourself and Let Go of Anger here

So, on to the next step.

4.     Love 

When something goes wrong, our natural response is to withdrawal. This is usually an attempt to protect ourselves or to influence the other person by expressing our disapproval of them. This is not love. Love is what is best for someone else, even when it costs me. Love does not choose its course of action based on personal hurt and loss (Christ is our example).

Jesus said, “Love your enemies.” Even when we are hurt and our relationships are broken, we can love. The entire purpose of your life and all the commandment of God are fulfilled in this one act of obedience (Mark 12:30; Gal 5:14). 

Love (along with the other steps) is why 100% of your fights will cease. Love is patient and kind . . . (1 Cor 13:4-7). And if 80% of our conflicts are because we focused on ourselves, then love destroys them. We stop focusing on what we need and want and focus on others.

Here is the challenge: go do something to express your love for the person you are in conflict with. Do it before things are resolved. Do it today. This will solidify your forgiveness toward them and will strengthen your relational foundation so you can deal with difficult subjects at the right time.

5.     Pray

Do we really think we will be able change others? What do they need? Who can change them?

Jesus can. 

So talk to him about the situation. Pray for the work of the Spirit to convict them if you believe they are wrong about something. Pray about how and when to bring up the matter with them. Allow God to lead you in handling the situation. He might tell you to let him handle this one and be patient.

Next Part: How to Avoid Dead End Conversations: 9 Steps for Conflict Resolution

Steps 2 and 3: 9 Steps for Conflict Resolution

Got conflict?

The first step for conflict resolution is Give Space. You can read about this in the first post of this series.

The second step provides another great reason we should not dive right into correcting others.

2.  Check yourself

Jesus warned, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.” (Matt 7:3-5) 

Go ahead and say this out loud to yourself: “I might be wrong.” Some of us really need to add this possibility to our thinking process. When I am in conflict and I choose to give space and check myself, I find that often the main problem is actually me! I get alone with God and ask him to convict me and help me understand the situation. He will.

It may be that there is still a legitimate issue in the other’s life. But this is a great opportunity to make sure that I have discerned, confessed, and requested forgiveness for any wrongdoing on my part. Getting things right from my end often clears up the waters for others to see their own issues. It also strengthens the relationship and clears the way to address those issues when the time is right.

Bottom line: do not “go to your brother” about their sin when there is unconfessed sin on your part in the relationship.

3. Let go of anger 

When we are hurt by others, or think that what they are doing is wrong, we often become angry. Trying to have a discussion when we are angry will rarely produce good results. Paul warns us not to allow anger to settle in our hearts (Eph 4:26-27).

Forgiveness takes place at two levels. One is the relational level, when we extend forgiveness to a repentant person and the relationship is restored. Another is the heart level. Even if someone does not repent, we must not be resentful or hold on to anger. We can forgive them in our hearts even if the relationship has not yet been restored. This heart level forgiveness is how we let go of anger. We can and must forgive because we have been forgiven (Matt 18:21-35). 

Bottom line: do not “to your brother” about their sin when there is anger and forgiveness in your heart toward them. This sin on your part is a direct obstacle to your relationship with God (Matt 6:14-15). 

Next Part: Steps 4 & 5: 9 Steps for Conflict Resolution

9 Steps for Conflict Resolution

Have you had a fight with someone you love this week? Unfortunately, most of us have. It is amazing how we can experience so much joy and so much frustration from one relationship! We can enjoy the fellowship and love and cooperation. But relationships are also difficult. We often do not agree. We hurt or are hurt by others. We act wrongly and this affects those around us. 

What should we do when we are hurt or believe those around us are doing the wrong thing? God tells us how to handle it in the Bible. When we follow his ways, we will be able to faithfully love and uphold truth and righteousness.

Here are nine steps you can take (and retake) when you face these difficulties in your relationships. 

1.     Give space

When Dana and I were first married, I asked my older brother Michael to give me marriage advice. He said, “One of the most important lessons I have learned in marriage is that I am not my wife’s Holy Spirit (and she isn’t mine).” 

We like to try to fix those around us. But that is not really our job. In fact, by trying to fix others, we can become an obstacle to their learning process. When I think someone is wrong, I am not going to try to take God’s place in his or her life.

There is another reason we should not dive right into a “discussion” when we disagree. Some of us tend to speak before we think. Anger and frustration make this even worse. James advises, “Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19). 

So, the first thing I am going to do when I think someone else is wrong about something is nothing. With humility and patience, I am going to give the other person space to make mistakes and learn from them.

“But I can’t do nothing! This is too important!” Don’t forget, this is only the first step.

Next part: Steps 2 & 3: 9 Steps for Conflict Resolution

 

Ready to Pray!

A native Indian pastor spoke in our church yesterday. He told stories of amazing answers to prayer and healing. I am challenged by this because I know that God wants to work powerfully in his church to show is love and glory and draw people to himself. He wants to do this here just as much as he does in India. I want to see him work powerfully through me and our church to see many drawn to him. Why isn’t this happening on the same scale in our lives? What is required for God to do this?

Faith, passion, and courage. Faith in who God is, his will and power. Passion for the lost and for God’s kingdom to grow. Courage to obey and love in the face of opposition and mistreatment.

So, what does this mean for me today? What is it that I must do that I am not doing to demonstrate faith, passion, and courage? My first clear thought is this: PRAY. Pray alone, pray with my family, pray with my church, pray with others, pray with the lost. Pray all the time; pray anytime. “You have not because you ask not” (James 4:2).

As I observe my own life, and the life of our church, I see that we are ready move forward in accomplishing our mission of making disciples. I think of how to obey and how to equip people for doing so. And I already know that prayer is foundational to any such ministry. Please, Lord, teach me to pray!

Scripture Memory Review System

Over the years, I have developed a Scripture Memory Review system. I have recently written out the rational and instructions again for my children to use. The importance of Scripture memory has also come up recently in several teaching contexts. I am pasting here the rational. You can download the entire document, which includes instructions and review charts, HERE.

“I have hidden Your Word in my heart that I might not sin against You.”

Psalm 119:11

            The challenge of memorizing Scripture is not just memorizing it the first time, but remembering it after that. I have spent much time memorizing large portions of Scripture that I did not review and therefore could not remember months later. To remedy this, I use a Scripture Memory Review System.

Memorizing Scripture is challenging. It is often challenging because, as a culture, we are not in the habit of memorizing. However, the more you do it (and the earlier you teach your children to learn it), the more accustomed our minds will become to it. Don’t quit because it is hard at first; keep training your memory muscle and it will become stronger.

Memorizing Scripture and using a review system also takes time. Is it worth it?

  • How important is it to understand who God is and his will for our lives (Eph 5:15-17)?
  • How important is it to be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Rom 12:1-2; Psalm 19:7-14)?
  • How can we live out our freedom in Christ from sin (Psalm 11:9-11; Matt 4:1-11; John 8:31-32)?
  • How can we have victory in the spiritual battle and escape from deception (Eph 6:10-17; Col 3:16; Titus 1:9)?
  • How can we be equipped for every good work (1 Tim 3:16-17)?

Here is David’s conclusion about the words of the Lord,

“More to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold; Sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb. Moreover, by them is your servant warned; In keeping them there is great reward!” Psalm 19:10-11

God in Your Work

Brother Lawrence on work, from Practicing the Presence of God

“We should offer our work to Him before we begin, and thank Him afterwards for the privilege of having done them for His sake.”

“Our sanctification does not depend as much on changing our activities as it does on doing them for God rather than for ourselves. The most effective way Brother Lawrence had for communicating with God was to simply do his ordinary work. He did this obediently out of pure love of God, purifying it as much as was humanly possible. He believed it was a serious mistake to think of our prayer time as being different from any other. Our actions should unite us with God when we are involved in our daily activities, just as our payer unites us with Him in our quiet time."

“He isn’t impressed so much with the dimensions of our work as with the love in which it is done.”

Pursuing a Life of Purpose

Last Sunday I completed a teaching series on "Pursuing a Life of Purpose." Although all the principles presented are biblical, many of the ideas were inspired from Stephen Covey's book, First Things First. You can listen to or download these messages in the audio player in the right sidebar. I have embedded the presentation (made on prezi.com) below if you want to see the main points and scripture references as you listen.